TEGCUS: Bioshocked
by President Megamanz
Summary: Jack arrives in the horribly deformed 'Rapechair' to find many inside jokes and lulz!
1. Bioshocked Chapter 1

(Please note that this story contains a lot of inside jokes referring to a site that sponsors this story, Speaking of my sponsor… Check this place out! .com)

This is a story... A story of redemption... A story of hope... A story of hedgehogs who were at first like this... But then they lol'd... This my friends, is not sparta.... This... IS.... TEH EPIC GAME CONGLAMERATE UBER STORY!

_**TEH EPIC GAME CONGLAMERATE UBER STORY**_  
Written By Rai

**CHAPTER 1****  
****'BIOSHOCKED-ACT 1'**

Jack opened his eyes. 'Oh snap! I've forgotten my lines!' Jack Frantically looks for the script. He is on an airplane flying over the mid-Atlantic, when he is greeted by a young woman named Will. "Oh hai..." Jack waves as he continues to look for his script. "Hai..." The lady is somewhat nervous, as this is her first day. Will politely asks Jack if he'd like a 7up. He shakes his head. "No! I have to find my script!" Will looks surprised. "Is this it?" She holds up a sheet of paper.

"Yeah!" Jack grabs it from her. "I didn't think it was a script... I mean, what character only has two sentences?" Jack glared at her. 'Jesus I hope she isn't a recurring charac....' Suddenly, turbulence strikes and the plane crashes in the middle of the ocean. Jack is the only survivor, at least, until he sees that Will survived. Jack rolled his eyes. "Why does SHE have to be the love interest?!"

He swims near her. "Hey Miss, what's your name again?" Jack asks. "Wi...." She was about to finish her sentence, when a 7up can hits her head. She blacks out and falls down into the dark depths of teh ocean...  
A lighthouse appears out of nowhere, promting Jack to obviously enter it's dark bowls.

Inside, a solid gold statue is hanging from the wall. It is obviously modeled after an important man. There is a red banner over the statue, it read "No God, No Kings, Only Furries". It is at that point, Jack realizes what he has stepped into. He looks at a tablet ingraved in the balcony. It reads "I BUILT TEH IMPOSSIBLE! HAR HAR! ~Dean"  
He walks down the stairs and sees a bathosphere. "Oh ****, I see where this is going...." Jack enters the small sub, and pulls the lever. Propelling him into the ocean blue....


	2. Bioshocked Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2****  
****BIOSHOCKED-ACT 1**

A small screen came down from the ceiling. Then a magical projector projected a projected image on the projectable screen... With a Projector.'  
A very strange looking man appeared on screen. Jack looked away, the man was raping a small animal.

Then he started talking;

"Hello there, I am Dean Edwards, and I am here to ask you a question....  
Is a furry not entitled to the fur on his pen0r?  
No! Says the man in Washington. It belongs to the poor.  
No! Says the man in the Vatican. It belongs to God.  
NO! Says the man in Moscow. It belongs to everybody!  
I... Rejected those answers. Instead I chose something different....  
I chose the impossible....  
I chose.... RAPECHAIR!"

At that moment, the screen flew up back to the ceiling. Revealing a city underwater. The first thing Jack noticed was the large, bulging, blob in the middle of the city. It nearly consumed all building near it. It's fat rippled with the waves and cause a startling beauty. However, fur and bird shit covered the entire entity. Jack closed his eyes and prayed that he would not have to face such a fearsome creature.

A Small Giant Squid (Oxymoron much?!? ._.) swam past the Bathosphere. It ejaculated ink all over the bathosphere. Jack was disgusted. "Three minutes and I'm already think about killing myself..." Jack mumbled to himself. The bathosphere swam into the bay, on the way in, Jack noticed the words "ALL THINGS.... SEXUAL... FLOW... INTO THE CITY...." Jack shivered....

When he was inside the bay, he saw a man with a flashlight. "Hello? Come on out!" The man said. Suddenly, a weird, furry thing with a beak came from behind. He impaled the man and saw Jack. It flicked him off and started to try and eat the Bathosphere. "Pfft, what a moron..." Jack thought. After the noises stopped, the bathosphere doors opened. A voice came on the radio. "Would you kindly pick up this mother fuckin' radio, me laddie?!" Jack obeyed..... Quickly.


	3. Bioshocked Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3****  
****BIOSHOCKED-ACT 1**

"Alright then, I'm Atlas. I'm probably the last sane person in this entire birdcage. Now would you kindly tell me your name?" Jack answered; "Jack." Atlas nodded, but then Jack wondered how he could possibly know that Atlas nodded at that exact moment because he was over the radio. Jack decided that he was just high. "Well Jack, you've just stepped into Rapechair. The fastest growing pile of birdshit the world has ever seen. Now head up those stair and look for a weapon."

Jack walked up the red carpeted stairs. A dead Bird-Man thing was waving to him. Jack shivered, and continued up the stairs.  
When he got up, he saw a opening in the wall, then he saw a Wrench on the ground. "Now, pick up that wrench and use it to break open the opening." Jack still wondered how the hell Atlas knew all of this, I mean it was 1960 for god's sakes! Jack just denounced that Atlas was a well trained stalker.

Soon Jack saw a Vending machine. "Sweet! I'm thirsty..." He walked up to it and put in a dollar. Atlas came on the radio. "You do know that the glass is broken, so you can just pick it up without using money...." Jack responded; "Nevah! That would be wrong!"  
Jack could hear Atlas mutter something about epic fail and he heard something like a palm hitting a face, but he just shrugged it off.

After Jack's money got through, a small canister popped out. It had a needle sticking out of it. Jack shrugged again and put the needle in his mouth, and he started drinking. Atlas gasped. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STICK IT IN YOUR WRIST!!!!" Jack started feeling dizzy, and he fell off the balcony and hit the floor.... Hard.


	4. Bioshocked Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4****  
****BIOSHOCKED-ACT 1**

Jack woke up with his vision extremely blurred. Suddenly a little toddler boy with a sombrero and a mustache walked up to him. "Look Sombrero Lady! It's a taco! Oh wait... He's not toasted.... Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be a taco soon...." A big, lumbering giant with a suit that was frilled with pink walked up the the little boy. The boy took its hand and they walked away from Jack.

Jack fell asleep again and woke up again.... It was a very nasty process. Atlas spoke on the radio; "Those are Mama Cindeh's and lil' Vs. You don't wanna mess with them unless to really need to. No check out the new Plasmid you have." Jack Puked out a electric bolt. "Ugh.... Alright, go back and get another plasmid. But this time.... PUT IT IN YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' WRIST!!!!!!!!!!!" Jack was startled.

He did the entire thing over again, but this time he stuck it in his wrist instead of drinking it. He fell off the balcony... AGAIN, and another Mama and Lil' V came up. In fact, he said the exact same thing too. Jack sighed and walked down the hall. It was then that he found a very nasty Splicer. "OH JESUS, I'M SO FUCKIN' CRAZY!!!!!!!" He started foaming at the mouth and jumped around the room.

Jack looked at his wrench and sighed. He went up to the guy and hit him on the head. "Mother fucker that hurt!" The splicer said rubbing his head. He stopped foaming at the mouth and looked at Jack. "Nice to meet you, I'm Shark." The Splicer said. He then held out his hand. Jack hit his hand with the wrench. "JESUS CHRIST MAN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT EVERYTHING YOU MEET WITH A WRENCH!!!" It was then that Shark started foaming at the mouth again, and jumped out.

Jack stood there with a weird expression. This place was so fucked up, he couldn't even explain it. He broke open the doorway and walked through. He saw a bathroom and some splicers talking about make-up. Jack failcon kicked one into the dark abyss below and snapped the other one's neck, ninja style. "Jesus man! That was fuckin' badass!" Atlas exclaimed over the radio. "Anyway, I want you to get my wife and kids from some submarine or whatever...." Atlas asked. Jack shrugged. "Good, now I need you to go to Neptune's Bounty. You're going to have to go through the Medical Pavilion to get there... Now go!"

Jack realized he had just been sent on another lame fetch quest, except this time it was to save some whiny ass Scot's family. Jack rolled his eyes and went in the bathroom. He pissed on some dead bodies and left.


	5. Bioshocked Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5****  
****BIOSHOCKED-ACT 1**

Jack saw the medical pavilion. Jack sensed something kinda.... Racist about it. I don't know, maybe it was the black guys strung up on the walls or the Deaf Mexican cut up on the ceiling. Jack didn't mind much though. He walked in and saw a piece of cake. "Nummy! :3" Jack exclaimed. A rotted dead corpse was holding it. Jack nudged the piece of cake out of it's fingers.  
It only had a FEW maggots on it, what was the harm in that? So Jack took a bite. Suddenly, a splicer with a bunny mask jumped in. "I BE THE GUARDIAN OF TEH CAKEZ! ALL WHO'ZE DARE TAKE IT FEAR MAH WRATH!!!!" Jack sighed. He saw a revolver on the ground. The Guardian of Teh Cakez eyed it too. The Guardian pulled out a shotty. Jack was a little worried. Then the Guardian pulled out a grenade lawn-chair. Jack was sweating a little bit now.

Jack dived for the revolver. The guardian shot but every shot missed. Jack fired at him on the ground, but then he realized the gun was out of ammo. Jack ran up the stairs and into the watery hallway. "There's nowhere to hide now!" The Guardian yelled. He had Jack cornered. Jack closed his eyes and began to pray.

When suddenly Will came crashing through the glass! The water down poured and drowned the Guardian. Will was caught in the stream too. She was pulled away and floated back into the ocean. Jack was amazed at his luck. "Fuckin' Ass man! You have the best luck!" Atlas exclaimed over the radio.

Jack continued into the pavilion. Pieces of fur, feathers, and beak were strewn all over the place. There was even a half-bird-man beast sitting in a wheelchair. Another splicer jumped out from nowhere. "Why if it isn't my old pal, Wrenchy." He said. Jack recognized him as Shark. "Why are you following me all over the place?" Jack asked him. "BECAUSE! I WANT TO BE A MAJOR CHARACTER TOO, PAL!!!!!" With that, Shark started foaming at the mouth again. "OH SHIT! SHIT SHIT! I'LL SEE YA LATER, MAT... OH LAWD!!!!!!! JUST KILL MEH NOW!!!!!" He jumped around the room some more.

Jack facepalmed, and continued on his way. "Alright, to get to Neptune's Bounty you need to get through Dr. Steinmen's office." Atlas informed Jack. Jack walked up the corridor and saw a pyro splicer through bombs everywhere. "MY NAME IS MIKE! IF YOU DON'T DIE I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS BALCONY!!!!" Jack barely dodged one of his bombs. The entrance to Dr. S's office was blocked by rubble.

"Dammit, alright. Here's what you gotta do; First, you gotta get a fire plasmid or whatever that shit is called. Then you gotta use the fire plasmid to melt the ice to the dentist offices. THEN you gotta go into the Dentist office and pick up a Telekinesis plasmid to pick up that fucked up splicer's bombs and blow open the entrance." Atlas finished. "Are you gonna lead me to the right places?" Jack asked. "Fuck no! I'm too busy doing palates! I'm sure you'll be fine though. Good luck!" Atlas cut him off.  
"Mother Fuckin' Irish bastard..." Jack cursed, and headed back in the main surgery area.


	6. Bioshocked Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6****  
****BIOSHOCKED-ACT 1**

Jack wandered around the pavilion for a few hours. He wondered why the hell Atlas was doing palates in the first place, but then he decided it was best not to know in the first place...  
Soon he found some kinda pyro shop. Flame World or some shit. Jack clicked on the service bell.

"Coming!" Someone answered from across the shop. A ugly-ass splicer answered. "Hello! My name is David Alan Fate! How may I halp you?" Jack asked for a flame plasmid. "Alright, but I don't think the Flame Plasmid is that good..." David said. "Who are you to judge?" Jack replied. "Well, I just think the Electro and Telekinesis are better..." David said.

"Electro and Telekinesis? Meh, those plasmids are for sissies." Jack replied. "-Ahem-, no they arn't." David said aggressively. Another splicer walked into the shop. "Sorry, but I have to agree with this guy here." He said. "Well.... You're both wrong!" David said angrily. A third Splicer came in. "These two are right, Electro and Telekinesis are for pansies."

"URRRF! YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID !!! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT ELECTRO AND TELEKINESIS ARE BETTER!!!! GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!" With that, David stormed out of the shop. Jack shrugged and walked behind the desk. He picked up the Flame Plasmid and walked back out.

Ice blocked some funeral home. Jack decided to flame it up and check it out. When he walked inside, he was greeted by a splicer. "Why hellOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The splicer twitched with excitement.

"Oh hai...." Jack waved at him. The splicer brought out a needle. "Look man, I ain't no druggy..." Jack backed away. "My NAME is NATHAN! Can I get INSIDE you?!?" Jack backed away. Then Jack pulled out his cool face. "Problem officer?" Jack said in a cool way. "Oh... Of course not." Nathan walked away. It was then that Jack questioned why he had a cool face mask in the first place, he just blamed it on drugs again.

Jack turned a corner and saw a coffin. He walked up near it and "UGGABOOGA BOOGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A splicer flipped the coffin over and jumped around the room. Foam fell on the floor. "You again?!?!?" Jack exclaimed. Shark was back... Again. "THAT'S RIGHT! I'M BACK!!!!!!?!?! HERE! HAVE SOME FREE CASH!!!!! ON DA HOUSE!!!!" Shark threw some pieces of pineapple at him. Then he stopped. "Alright, sorry. Anyways, what are you doing in the Medical Pavilion?'  
Jack was tired of this. He took out his wrench and bonked Shark on the head. "MOTHER FUCKER I'M ON ANOTHER TRIP!!!!!!!" Shark wagged his head like a dog's tail and jumped around. He latched on to Jack's back. "Fuck! Get off me ya crazy ass hobo!" Jack back up on a wall and Shark jumped away. Foam followed his trail."You know, I'm REALLY getting sick of this place...." Jack sighed and walked back into the Medical Pavilion lobby.


End file.
